Thanksgiving

Today was the best thanksgiving that I have ever had. I spent half of it with my husband's family, and half of it at the fire station with my husband and his coworkers. The entire experience was surreal to me. It was as if I could just stop time, and look around me at everything I was thankful for. It started me thinking about the past four months...

Four months ago, I walked out on my husband. We had some disagreements and I (keyword, "I") decided we would be better off if we were not together anymore. Those were the worst four months of my life. The fact that I went from having nice things to having nothing didn't even matter. I was just broken. I was empty, I was angry, I had no outlet. I had no one. I did have lots of people wanting to be with me, but I shot them down. It was like I was looking for him in someone else and I didn't even realize it. They just weren't him, yet I had convinced myself (or tried to convince myself) that I didn't need him. I had divorce papers, but I couldn't bring myself to file them. I have his name tattooed on my back, but I couldn't bring myself to cover it up. I was a mess. I needed him, and I didn't even know it. I heard from friends how upset he was, and the things he said about me, and I was convinced that even if I tried to get him back, he wouldn't want me. I hated myself for what I had done. I kept thinking about the little things: how he held my hand in the car, how we would joke and laugh together. I kept thinking about how happy I was at our wedding. I kept thinking about the family cookouts, about the softball games, about being so proud of my husband knowing he has saved so many lives. I needed him.

Then I got a text. 

So we talked.

After a VERY long heart to heart, we realized that everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. We needed to meet in the middle. After finding out that we each still loved each other, it was an easy decision. Based upon the past four months, our lives are living hell without each other. We need each other. It will take understanding and compromise on both parts, but in the end it is worth it. 

In the beginning, we did get engaged pretty quick. But when you know something, you just know. We compliment each other very well. I may have lost sight of that, and made mistakes, but this entire ordeal has been a learning experience. The money and things don't matter. My husband matters. He needs someone to be there for him just as much as I need him. He needs someone to be there when he gets off of a shift after dragging a burned body out of a car. He needs someone there for him emotionally and physically. He is naturally just a strong person that needs some nurturing at times. I am naturally just a nurturing person that needs a little help to be strong at times.

So, because of all of this living and learning, I have come to a few conclusions. My husband is my life, my love, and my rock. He is my strength, and is behind me no matter what. He holds my hand in the car, and gets a little silly with me at times. He lets me play video games with him, even though I suck at them. He saves lives, and deals with a lot more than any normal human being can handle. He has forgiven me for abandoning him. He has decided he wants me over any other girl that has wanted to be with him. He said I am different. I'm the love of his life. I have been given another chance at love and happiness.....And for that, I am very thankful.

I love my fireman with all my heart, and I will be there for him until the day I die. We both deserve it.

Is it easy?

Hellew everyone. I have been battling a cold lately, so my sleeping schedule is very much out of whack. It is four in the morning and I found myself watching a video on YouTube. One video led to another, and somehow I ended up on a video of the Charleston 9 firefighters memorial service. I have no clue how I got there, but I'm going to assume it has something to do with my interests in my husband's profession. Anyways, as the video started, I got extremely sad. Needless to say, I couldn't even finish the video. Its not like I needed to watch this type of video while my husband is on call at his station at four in the morning anyways. As I watched the beginning, and I found out what happened to those men in that building, I thought to myself "What would I do if I lost my husband in a fire?" Stupid, stupid, stupid. Don't ever do that. Ever. So this got me thinking and reminded me of all the women I have heard say, "It's not easy being a firefighters wife." I have also had men tell me that they don't think many women can handle it. When I was growing up, my father was in the military. Lucky for me, he only went to Iraq once. It only took that one time for me to promise myself that I would never marry a man in the military. I didn't want to have to deal with him being gone all the time. Now, of course I didn't marry one, but I fell in love with an amazing firefighter. Not once did I think about my "rule" that I made up. And with him being a firefighter, I say he faces more danger every day at work, instead of a military guy leaving country occasionally. I am not disrespecting any military people, I am just pointing out that I definitely went above and beyond my own rule marrying a firefighter. I guess basically it boils down to this: I have heard soooooo many times that it is not easy being a firefighters wife, but it's simply not true. I am deeply in love with my firefighter husband, and no matter what he has to do in his job is going to make me love him any less, or leave because I'm scared. How could this be hard? Of course, I get scared at times. There are times, when I know he will be busy, and I turn my scanner off so I can't hear what's going on. It's not hard to love someone. It's not hard to always be there for them. Just because you are scared to lose someone, does not mean it is hard to be with them. It is not hard to be a firefighters wife. Scary, at times, but never hard.

Petrino and Zimmerman

These are two cases that now define America as a whole. Apparently people no longer have any common sense. Here in America, we are constantly undermining our own values! Let's start with the Petrino issue. As most everyone knows, Bobby Petrino, the Arkansas football coach, was fired recently based upon something that had NOTHING to do with his job. He got into a motorcycle accident with a young girl riding with him. This has shed light on his not so faithful marriage. He did lie about her being on the bike, but since when do you have to explain details of your MVA to your boss? I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. Because he did something completely un related to his job, he was fired anyways? What he does in his personal life Is exactly that. His personal life. I keep reading that with a high profile job, he should be held to high standards. OK! I don't agree with cheating on your wife, but did he ever stand up and say, "The university I work for endorses my actions and wanted me to do it"? Nope. Just because you don't agree with someones personal choices, doesn't mean you fire them. He was a great coach, and shouldn't have to pay for those actions in public, just deal with it with those he has personally hurt. As I said, I don't agree with his actions, but It has nothing to do with his job.

The second case I want to talk about is the "Trayvon Martin and Zimmerman" case. A man saw a teenager that was acting suspicious, he called 911, and the teenager ended up getting shot and killed. I have listened to the 911 tapes. I made sure to do so before creating my own opinion on the case. (You should too.) Zimmerman thought Trayvon looked suspicious, and called the police. He did follow the kid, and was told not to by the dispatcher. I don't know whether he did or not after that, but I do know that Zimmerman was approached by Trayvon towards the end. I also know there were many screams heard in the 911 calls before a shot was heard. Soooooo many people swear it was Trayvon screaming. Funny thing is, unless you have supersonic hearing, I say it could have been either one of them. So, anyways, Trayvon dies, and Zimmerman is facing second degree murder charges. For what? What evidence is there to prove he killed this kid in cold blood? Everyone is making stupid remarks like, "Well, Trayvon was unarmed!" Another outrageous statement. If someone attacks me just with their fists, or slams my head into the sidewalk, you're damn straight I'm going to shoot them. It's a legal right. People don't understand. Even if he just walked up with a sweet tea, and some skittles, if he threw them and started throwing fists, you can shoot him. Furthermore, guess why Trayvon was there? He was suspended from school for drugs and fighting. Interesting. Oh, and one more point. If I hear that it's a case of racism again, I'm going to vomit. It's a funny thing his parents say that it was because he was black, yet every time they show up on tv, they are surrounded by black people including Rev. Al Sharpton. I don't think it's a coincidence. If you say, "Us black people need to stand up and defend ourselves," that's racist in itself! Notice as I told the story, I didn't distinguish between races? I'm so sick of people claiming it's a racist case. Look up statistics. Unfortunately, most people in jail, and attached to most violent cases are who? Black males. It's not because police go out looking for them, it's because those people are actually committing those crimes. My point is not that he must have done it because he is black, my point is people need to stop making it a "race" case, and just make it a "stand your ground" case. One more thing they are trying to use as evidence in the case is a witness statement from Trayvon's girlfriend. She told police they were talking on the phone at the time, and that she told him to run from the guy that was WATCHING him, He said no. Then she heard the phone fall to the ground and go off. She told police that it must have happened because he was attacked and it was knocked from his head. Correct me if I'm wrong, but couldn't it have fallen as Trayvon decided to lunge at Zimmerman? Just an idea. Just think about it. I'm tired of hearing about it now. I don't really know what happened because I wasn't there, but there really can't honestly be people that swear he was murdered because he was black. Don't be ridiculous.

Changes

So... I've been a little nervous today. My husband has worked at his station for four years with the same partner. Every time he went to work, I would feel safe and secure knowing that if something went wrong, he had a great respectable friend/partner that would be there to help him out. Some things happened before I met my husband and his partner was right there to help, so it calmed my nerves knowing they were a good pair. They are both amazingly good at their job, and they had each other's backs all the time.
Anyways, our fire department recently moved some people to different stations. My husband was moved to an old station he used to work at. Now, I'm not complaining about that station, because he likes it. My problem is, he and his partner, after four years, are no longer working at the same station. This is where my stupid mind kicks into gear, creating "what if" scenarios. I don't know if any other firefighter's wives do this, but I definitely need to quit. It just makes me worry more. So, when a call goes out now, hubby is toned out with a few other stations, and never has to go alone. This makes me feel better, but I don't really have a reassurance anymore. I don't know who will be there with him, if anyone else makes sure there's a backup team (RIT) there. I just don't know.
I sort of feel like his partner was part of our family, because he was part of the reason my husband is still here. I guess I just need to get aquainted with change. Nothing stays the same for long with our FD. And truthfully, as long as I have my husband, I don't much care about anything else. I just have to keep reminding myself how awesome my Senior Firefighter is at his job, and be ecstatic when he comes home. <3

And I want to say thank you to my husband's former partner for always being there for him. It means a LOT to a FireWife. =)

The Beginning

This is the beginning of many posts I have rolling around in my mind. I am a firefighters wife, and I am a housewife. I clean house, do dishes, do laundry, take care of our pets, and try to pamper my husband when he comes home from a 24 hour shift at the fire station. I have had many people tell me they would never be able to be a housewife, but I thoroughly enjoy it. I get an immense satisfaction when I can step back and admire a very clean house, knowing I worked my butt off to get it that way. I also thoroughly enjoy being a firefighter's wife. Some people say it is really hard, but loving my husband makes it extremely easy. I don't think it's much different than being any other kind of wife, but I suppose I wouldn't know, because I've never been any other kind of wife, and I never will! I decided to start this blog because sometimes sitting at home alone, on hubby's shift days, I have things going through my mind. Sometimes it's about his job, sometimes it's about cleaning. It's always something different, so I figured I would make an outlet, where people could read, be entertained, or maybe even put in their opinion on the matter. I already have the first topic ready, so I'll probably post it later. See you soon!